South Skunky Schools

Science Discovery



The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by researchers from the Science Department at South Skunky Schools. The element, tentatively "administratium", has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic mass of zero.

However, it does have one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "morons".

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the researchers, a minute amount administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete, when normally it would have occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of about three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. One study shows that the total atomic mass actually INCREASES after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. Besides South Skunky Schools Central Office, high concentrations can be found at large corporations, political campaign offices, major universities, and particularly around all government offices. Traces are found around the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings everywhere. The highest concentration found to date is in New York City, airborne in the vicinity of the United Nations building. Even so, Washington, D.C., is expected to contain the bulk of the nation's future supply of administratium.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be very toxic at ANY level of concentration, and can easily destroy a productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Research is underway to determine how it can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage. Results to date have not been promising.

Experiments are now being developed to release administratium in a chlorofluorocarbon (CFC) compound into the ozone hole, with the hopes of halting or reversing the process. Other nations are feared to be developing military applications.
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